I hope you are doing well and life is fantastic on your side of this message. I sincerely mean that. Well as you can see now I made a blog post about you. I felt like a gesture above the norm was necessary so congrats because you are now living for eternity on my blog, which actually felt like the right thing to do. Much like how Jacob imprinted on the vampire kid in Twilight to save the baby from werewolves. Or wolves. Not even sure if there is a difference to be quite honest now that I think about it…. but let me get to the point->
Here is the truth
I’m not wasting anytime. It’s a straight dive in the deep end for me, and my Dad-bod in a fashionably sensible thong is aching to make waves.
What I said happened actually happened. But beer getting poured on me wasn’t what pissed me off. It really never was because I’ve poured more beer on myself and it’s not even a thing. It’s just a little wet and sticky. What upset me was the denial which shifted the narrative to make me sound like a liar. And at that moment, as a new Father, I felt I needed a change. I didn’t want more late night drunk shit in Duffey’s backyard, random cocaine pops, or black-out drunk nonsense. I felt like I was on an unhealthy path, and that situation was sort of the straw that herniated the camel’s L4 lumbar disc. The shift was about me taking a step away from everything in my old life to adjust to my new life as Dad.
However, what really matters now is the clear realization that I failed. I failed by choosing to allow one stupid moment be the flagship moment of what was like 15 years of friendship. I didnt truly respect you or that bond. I failed you as a friend, and created unnecessary stress in your life. Ego won. And for that I’m sincerely sorry. When you made attempts to make amends I was absent in my authenticity. The reason was had everything to do with me, and nothing to do with your olive branches. I was in tunnel view thinking from a culmination of many things and just wanted to focus on being a good Father. And felt abandoning many relationships was the right path. But I was certainly wrong, and my happiness paid a price for that. You don’t lose amazing friends and not feel deep hurt. What I should have thought about was:
- Drinking Budweiser out of champagne glasses during your wedding reception while the growlers played
- Spending Easter in downtown San Diego while you guys took part of my drunken proposal
- A million Random nights of good times
- The feeling of being so excited to see you both walk in my house when we lived in Illinois
- Your encouragement with me grabbing a camera
- Your desire to try and bring friends together by putting together little themed parties with decor and all
- When we learned Pat died while we were all wine tasting, the only thing I could think later that night was to go pick up a Rosaties’ pizza and bring it over to make the terrible situation the smallest amount easier
- Your grace to listen to us Jam a music style that clearly wasn’t your taste but still be encouraging to us- I mean if someone played music I thought was shitty in my house week after week I would be pissed AF
- Any of the million fantastic dinners, drinks, or conversations
What time has showed me is if we didn’t truly love the Martens these thoughts wouldn’t permeate or feel so necessary to share even many years later. It simply doesn’t feel right…At the same time, the ripple effects might actually have been a very positive thing. In some twisted way, our separation might have played a very small role in your decision to leave So Cal and that’s been a soul-cleansing experience for your family that potentially would have never occurred. So that’s a beautiful thing. And the dots really don’t make sense at the time, but only do when you look back and can connect them.
So what does this all mean?
One of the best things personally for me living in Illinois was how it taught me how much I took for granted my friendships. I always would say when I get back to California I would make time to see person A, B or C. And when I did those moments were so much better. There was something unique about knowing you had a very limited time with a friend that allowed you to slice right through the bullshit and get right into deep conversations about life. It was a gift and a great learning lesson for me. My point is, maybe in some parallel universe we are all planning epic family vacations, taking photos, playing music and enjoying all the gifts of life. Talking about home school, rad travel experiences, photography etc. But in this universe we’re currently separated by space and emotional divides that I classify as “weirdness”. My hope is that we can all truly be close again, share in each other’s joys and spend time together when schedules allow it. There is nothing more I would want than to see your family if or when you’re in So Cal. And maybe, just maybe, we could even meet up once a year wherever you’re at.
Fuck this guy.
You have every right to say and think,”fuck this guy” because I added so much gasoline to the fire in direct and passive ways throughout the years. Sadly, I can easily think of many times I went out of my way to be unnecessarily cruel and it sucks because that’s not my character. All I can do at this moment is take ownership of it all, put the ego aside, and simply say I’m sorry. I dealt with the original issue like a person blasting a shotgun to kill a fly in the house #MAGA. And as I write this after a Taco Tuesday evening (which is eerily poetic given when the pendulum swung the other way we were doing the same thing) please know the apology comes deep from my soul….and belly warmed with the cheapest tequila created somewhere in the Hemet of Mexico.
Bridges of Madison County
Long message right? My fingers hurt from writing all this so I imagine you’re probably sick of reading this epitaph. So let me conclude with this:
I love you guys.
We miss you all.
At 6’3 I was still the hottest backup “girl” to the Robert Palmer Addicted to Love scene at your Halloween party circa 2011.
Oh and here is a random Google Photo collection of the kids. I did not make this but I like it and this is an excuse to share it 🙂